Good friends are hard to come by.

When I'm working and healthy, people are frequently asking me to kick it or go to a party. It was great and was a phenomenal support system. I'd have something to do almost every night. I actually felt loved and wanted.

I stopped working in May of this year, and GUESS WHAT?!?! These 'friends' dried up. I've been in contact with approximate 1/8 of the people who were inviting me to do stuff have even shot me a text. The only people who have really been in contact are my five best friends: one from Tacoma, one from high school, my cousin, and my oldest friend from elementary school, and obviously my roommate. Also, two ex-girlfriends have been keeping in contact with me. Of my work friends, only one person has stayed in consistent contact (shoutout to Pete).

It has been incredibly hard for me these past few months dealing with severe depression, anxiety, and that shoulder surgery. I have had that support system crumble and it has been incredibly difficult. I thought I could count on those people, but clearly that's not the case. Out of sight, out of mind counts for a little bit I suppose, but it hurts to know that to most people who I would call friends, I'm clearly only a friend of convenience to most of you (who won't read this). Thanks for all of your help homies.

p.s. something funny

WARNING: Depressing Post Follows

My life is a mishmash of brevity, cynicism, idealism, and insecurity. Its the last one that dominates my life at present. I find myself tonight, unable to think of anything witty to say or anything to make fun of. I feel like how most of America views "Jersey Shore": American trash with little or nothing the world at large.

I feel like my life of the last 5 years has yielded nothing but a trail of my tears and tattered dreams. I feel so broken, so far from what was dreamed by me and for me. I know that I am my harshest critic and that this is just a rough night. I won't air my dirty laundry in the open (partially because my mother is my one follower). But I have made poor decisions, more than that I've let myself and my parents down.

I'm seeking professional treatment for my problems, but one of the medications I'm taking has made me gain large amounts of weight. Just add that to the list of my insecurities. At points I feel borderline unloveable. This is not the life I envisioned 5 years post high school graduation. I wish for a mulligan in my life. What can I do now? I guess pick up the pieces.

Faust

I may just be in a dark mood, but as I was in my pre-op shower I was thinking about Goethe's classic tale of Faust where the main character traded his soul to the devil. I was thinking about what a grave decision that is, and the implications that it would have. You would trade an eternity in hell for something that is fleeting. A passing passion that is only with you for a short time.

I also came to the conclusion that I would make a Faustian bargain (I know that admission will make my mom be concerned). But I would gladly trade my soul if I had a guarantee that what I wanted would come true. Despite my actions in this life, I do believe that there is a god. I'm not sure what god is, or which religion is correct. But I believe that there is a higher being that put us on this earth. However, I don't think that you can make a Faustian agreement.

But that brings me to what I would do. If it were possible, I would trade my soul for the eternal happiness of my family and friends. If I could know for a fact that all of my friends and family would be happy forever I would trade my soul. I care about my friends enough that I would be satisfied with that.

Stomp the Yard 2 review

Score out of 10: 4

It really should score lower than a 4, but it has a surprisingly good soundtrack. They also managed to scoop up a "cameo" from returning "star" Columbus Short (star of such movies as Stomp the Yard [one], Accepted, Armored). The dancing is better than the first one, because its much less based on step and more focus on breakdancing and battling. However, it suffers from much of the same things as the first film. There was a sense of overacting and as well as an extremely weak plot. There are many cringe-worthy moments. Additionally, the main character development was almost the exact same of that of the first one. Embattled youth runs from mistakes, mistakes catches up to youth, youth finds self and overcomes mistakes through dance.

Irony score out of 10: 8

It uses every single cliche possible. I cannot undersell this. I thought I had seen some very cliche movies in my time, but this comes close to having the most cliches of all. I honestly could not tell whether they were doing it on purpose as a laugh or were just oblivious. I suppose they could have been doing on accident, but regardless, the cliches were hilarious. They also made phenomenal use of Columbus Short in his short appearance in the movie. He gave one of the greatest inspirational speeches in a movie that I have seen since Beerfest.

Overall Rating: 5/10 will probably not ever watch again.

P.S. Sorry for being serious.

P.P.S. If anyone wants more bad reviews of bad movies, let me know.

Invasion of the US

I am a big fan of history and love specifically studying WWII. In the course of my studies, I have always wondered if the United States were invaded today. Where would it be and who would do the invasion. I think the answer to the second question is easier than the first. The People's Republic of China would be the most likely candidate. The first question is a little more tricky.

It would most likely be on the western seaboard. Because of the large ports as well as airports, the two best spots to invade would be Seattle or Los Angeles. Even caught by surprise, I think that the invaders would be in for one heck of a workout in order to secure a beachhead. They would be fought tooth and nail by the various military outfits stationed around those two areas.

The most interesting thing about a full on invasion is that it would most likely be fought for by the citizens of the United States. Washington has the largest number of unregistered handguns in the United States. Or if the Chinese went for LA, they would have to conquer Compton. Imagine the shootouts in that area. I doubt that most Americans would give up without a fight. It would be much like the insurgency in Iraq.

Friends

We live in a world that is disconnected via electronics or whatever the cliche is. But that's not true because friendship, at least for me is one of the most important things in the world. Electronics allows me to communicate with my uncle who lives in Finland, my cousin who lives on the other side of the state, or a best friend who lives 20 minutes away. And friends are definitely important. They are one of the most important things in my life. It's amazing how letting a friend down can ruin a person's day.

Another thing that I've noticed is that 90% of my "friends" are merely friends of convenience. If I am around and they don't have to go out of their way, then, hell yeah, lets hang out. Maybe its a matter of "out of sight, out of mind". When I was working, I was getting a bunch of invitations to various things. However, since I've been out of work, my phone is oddly silent. The only other time that someone will call me is if they need something from me. With the exception of approximately 4 people, this is what happens. Its not that I blame them, it just hurts to realize that I have 4 friends outside of my family. Absence shows who my true friends are.

At the time of this writing , I'm feeling like complete shit so take that.

Death

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousin

Death is a fascinating topic for a lot of different reasons. The question that most people have to answer for themselves is what people believe in. If you believe in a god, do you become more or less afraid of death? If you don't believe in heaven, but reincarnation is their belief, do they just hope they do well enough to become something better than before.

As my grandma is dying, it is something on my mind. (Its been on my mind since early February, but that's a different story.) According to the quote above, when she lost her mind she was dead. It's been a long decline since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Because of that, I think that people have been dealing with their grief with regards to my grandmother. I know that for her children, it is somewhat of a relief. And I'm honestly not sure how sad I'll be when she finally goes. If it was sudden, it would a completely different situation.

I was going to apply this to myself, but that would've brought this blog to an all-time low, and leave readers depressed. So, instead, I'll just leave myself out of this post.